As everyone knows, the Golden Globes were hastily invented during a top-secret meeting in 1937, in which the oft-mocked members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association decided to throw a party. At said party, they gave out plastic trophies to everyone who attended, just so no one would feel bad and everyone could take a little souvenir home. There was also ice cream! And thus the Golden Globes—the only awards ceremony on the planet that makes the Kids Choice Awards look legitimate—began, spawning an illustrious history that continues to this very day. In related news, no one gives two shits about the Golden Globes, except for the oft-mocked members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, who, when reached by the Mercury for comment, enthused that tonight's ceremonies were "the best ever," and that it was possible that this year's winners might keep their trophies "for up to two weeks" before donating them to the nearest Goodwill.

So why should you care about these bullshit awards? We'll let the Times sum it up:

The Golden Globes—given by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, a group of about 90 freelance writers—are not taken seriously as artistic milestones and have a history of voting idiosyncrasies. Still, the best-picture Oscar has mirrored the association’s choice for best drama or best comedy-musical in 14 of the last 21 years. And a Globe nomination is viewed as vital to maintaining momentum in the Oscar marathon.

Yeah, so there it is: If you still care about the Oscars (which, to be fair, are only about as legit as the Teen Choice Awards), then you want to keep an eye on those adorable kids at the Hollywood Foreign Press Association are up to. A complete list of tonight's proud winners is after the jump.

Best Motion Picture (Drama)—Slumdog Millionaire
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture (Drama)—Kate Winslet, Revolutionary Road
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture (Drama)—Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler
Best Motion Picture (Musical or Comedy)—Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture (Musical or Comedy)—Sally Hawkins, Happy-Go-Lucky
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture (Musical or Comedy)—Colin Farrell, In Bruges
Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture—Kate Winslet, The Reader
Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture—Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Best Animated Feature Film—Wall-E
Best Foreign Language Film—Waltz with Doctor Bashir
Best Director, Motion Picture—Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
Best Screenplay, Motion Picture—Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire
Best Original Score, Motion Picture—A. R. Rahman, Slumdog Millionaire
Best Original Song, Motion Picture—Bruce Springsteen, The Wrestler
Best Television Series (Drama)—Mad Men
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series (Drama)—Anna Paquin, True Blood
Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series (Drama)—Gabriel Byrne, In Treatment
Best Television Series (Musical or Comedy)—30 Rock
Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series (Musical or Comedy)—Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series (Musical or Comedy)—Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Best Mini-Series or TV Movie—John Adams
Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or TV Movie—Laura Linney, John Adams
Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television—Paul Giamatti, John Adams
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or TV Movie—Laura Dern, Recount
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or TV Movie—Tom Wilkinson, John Adams