Obama plans to shell out $75 billion to help stop home foreclosures. Automakers say, "Hey… wow… that's great. Sooooo… is $14 billion more for us out of the question?"

In California, thousands of state jobs may be lost because the legislature has been unable to pass a budget, and Gov. Schwarzenegger has been unable to decide which line from The Terminator is appropriate for this situation.

The recent plane crash in Buffalo may have been caused by flight crew error, proving they can't all be Chesley 'Sully' Sullenbergers.

Facebook backs down; will no longer attempt to own your soul throughout eternity. However, they will continue to sacrifice goats… sorry, that one's a deal breaker.

If the late Heath Ledger wins an Oscar on Sunday night, his adorable three-year-old daughter Matilda will keep the statuette. And if she gets to give the speech? There aren't going to be enough Puffs with Lotion in the world to wipe the tears from my eyes.

In wacky abortion news, the North Dakota House grants a human fertilized egg the legal rights of a human being—which means any egg fertilized this year will be shipped off to fight in Afghanistan.

And finally, what happens when Stephen Colbert visits Late Night with Conan O'Brien? Dance off, baby… DANCE OFF!!