Outlander, a movie about a space alien who teams up with Vikings to fight a monster, opens today at Cornelius Stadium Cinemas. (Read our web-exclusive review here.) I watched the movie last night on a DVD sent to me by the studio, and shortly after popping the disc in, I discovered Hollywood's latest futile attempt to keep their films from being pirated:



Yep, there's my name, in giant goddamn letters, across the entire screen—and not just during those opening credits, but throughout the entire movie. So I guess if a pirated copy of a movie about a space alien who teams up with Vikings to fight a monster hits the internet, and every scene is marked "Erik Henriksen," well, then they'll know who leaked it, and Harvey Weinstein can show up at my apartment with a lead pipe, or just start talking shit about me.

What's weird, though, is how distracting this weird anti-piracy tactic proves to be. Like, in Outlander, actor Ron Perlman sports a truly amazing prospector-style beard. It's just stunning. Not that you can tell, thanks to my big stupid last name that's covering it all up:


The film stars James Caviezel from The Passion, who proves to be a pretty lousy actor when he's not getting flayed and crucified. All the same, it's still fun to watch him stiffly emote, and an awkward scene where he gets all drunk and zany should have been one of the film's worst/best moments. Instead, it was like he spent the whole scene just being delighted to see my name.


And if there's one thing every sci-fi movie needs, it's majestic planetscapes. Namely, stunning vistas of Planet Henriksen.


Actually, this is starting to grow on me a bit. It makes me feel important. But I think I could only get used to it if every movie had my name in giant letters across the screen. Get on it, Hollywood.