I need to talk about The Hills right now, and it's an intensely private discussion between myself and ONLY those who care about The Hills. So I don't need your snarky comments, I don't need you to act like you're somehow morally or intellectually superior to me. Unless you are as secretly devoted to The Hills as I am, do not read any more after the jump, and GO… AWAY.
Thank you!

Are they gone? GOOD! Look at this!
GAG! It's a picture of Heidi and Spencer kissing at their wedding this past weekend. I keep expecting Spenny's tongue to come whipping out like a lizard and crush Heidi's neck. Oh, and did you hear? They're taking their honeymoon in beautiful, swine flu infected Mexico! And they're wearing face masks! Hey Speidi! You can't get what you GIVE.
Oh crap, I almost forgot the biggest news of the day: The Hills will be returning for another season without Lauren Conrad, which is FINE BY ME. Apparently she was willing to return, but her mustache wanted to move on to other projects.
From the MTV story: "Lauren has moved on, but Heidi, Audrina, Spencer, Brody, Stephanie, Lo and Justin Bobby will be back, as the drama continues with fresh faces, new stories and shocking surprises." I don't know if I like that. Actually what I love about The Hills is how NON-shocking it is. I often compare it to watching Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood in that absolutely NOTHING happens and I get transported into a extremely calm, relaxed Zen-like state.
Take last night's episode for example: Donkey-teeth Audrina wants to bone Brody? SO BONE HIM ALREADY. Jesus Christ! I really despise Audrina, but at the same time, she pops off with the best lines. My favorite Audrina line from last night was "I don't know… it's like a hate and love relationship or something." IT'S "LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIP" YOU DINGBAT!!
Personally, if they take the show in any new direction (and I hear that Laguna Beach baddie Kristen Cavalari may be slipping into Lauren's shoes), I think STEPH should become the star of the show! I love how she's the Mephistopheles of The Hills—not so subtly suggesting that Audrina should bone Brody, and then after she bones him, telling the other girls, "Hey… somebody should really tell Brody's girlfriend."—and nobody seems to realize it!
I have nothing else to say except "PLEASE GIVE US MORE SCENES WITH SPEIDI IN COUPLES THERAPY." And stop inviting Lo on the girl trips to Hawaii. She's a drip. And send Justin Bobby to a Holocaust death camp.
That is all.