Chrysler files for bankruptcy, and after restructuring will receive anywhere from $4.5 billion to $8 billion. Bankruptcy, huh? SIGN ME UP!

Mexico shuts down all nonessential services. Meanwhile in America, 109 cases of swine flu have been reported in 11 states, sooooo… PANIC!!

Speaking of swine flu, Vice President Biden is telling his family to avoid planes and subways. Ummm… PANIC!!

A new anti-same sex marriage ad features blogger Perez Hilton and Miss Homophobe Carrie Prejean. Get a room, you two!

The New Hampshire Senate passes a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage. That's one more state you're not welcome in, Miss Homophobe.

Oh, and the U.S. House passes a hate crime bill that Bush opposed. Strike two, Miss Homophobe!

Here comes the hat trick… the Miss California Organization paid for Carrie Prejean's breast implants before the pageant! And strike three… yeeeeerrrrrrr OUT!

And finally, to get your day started off in the right way, simply SLAP your troubles away with the SLAP CHOP RAP! Hit it!