Sure, there are a lot of important things going on in the world this morning, but EFF THAT. In the most ridiculous upset in American history, the milquetoast Kris Allen beat the almost certainly gay Adam Lambert in last night's American Idol finale. On three everybody… one… two… three… BULLSHIT!!

Obama says he plans on transferring Gitmo detainees from Cuba to high security prisons in the U.S., and… OH, CRAP— A TERRORIST IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!! Gotcha.

Republicans are bellyaching for a panel to investigate Nancy Pelosi's claims that the CIA lied to her about waterboarding. I think that's a great idea, and in fact, we should put the entire Bush administration and their followers under investigation as well, and… wait, where are you guys going?

Unfortunately Obama is also against my "investigate the Bush administration" idea.

Want to watch the mind of CNBC pundit Jeff Macke quickly unravel into a stream of incomprehensible gibberish? Yes, you do!

The report about an Irish Catholic orphanage that admitted abusing children for decades forgot one thing—the names of the abusers.

Four really dumb people were arrested for trying to blow up a NYC synagogue with fake bombs.

Boston police promises to Twitter their citizens in case of a zombie attack. WILL PORTLAND'S??

And finally, if the Republicans are really interested in making their party the most happening party, then they should definitely purchase this "Party Party" album for their next party-party!