Just... magnifique.

Is this trailer as jaw-droppingly astounding as last week's Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans trailer? No. But it's close. Very close.

Fuck. I cannot believe this franchise actually exists. It delights and angers me at the same time. The last time I felt like that was... well, actually it was when I was watching TV this morning and Tyra Banks was trying to make a bunch of fat kids feel better about themselves, so she told them they were all going to be sent to a fat camp called Camp Shane (which I initially misheard as Camp Shame), and Tyra was all, "You're all going! For free! Aren't you excited?!" and while one of them was way too excited—he clearly did not know what he was agreeing to as he grinned and frantically nodded, wanting only to please Tyra—a couple of the older, wiser ones were wary. They had a haunted look in their eyes, as if they had been lured there, trapped, tricked by Tyra Banks and her talk of "self esteem," and they saw their inevitable, unending summer unfolding in front of them, hellish days and nights filled with naught but jumping jacks and fruits and vegetables, and one of them, an angry-looking one, appeared as if she was about to kill Tyra Banks, about to leap across the couch and—

I digress. But holy shit, that paper cut scene. And then the Menacing Black Guy in the Woods! God. It's amazing. The only thing that could make this any better is if Styles shows up in the movie, kickin' it in the woods with the rest of the shirtless werewolves. "Hey, Bella! You hear about Mr. Murphy—y'know, the shop teacher? Got his dick caught in a vacuum cleaner! Check out the van I made, babe!"