IT'S BACK! The World Health Organization has declared a swine flu pandemic—and if these kids are any indication, the first symptom will be accelerated levels of CUTE!

STILL DANGEROUS! An old racist shoots and kills a security guard at the Holocaust Memorial Museum.

DARN THEM JEWS! Remember the Rev. Jeremiah Wright who caused Obama so much grief during the election? Well, the reason he says he can no longer speak to the president is because of "them Jews"—rather than his big stupid anti-Semitic mouth.

SHRINKAGE! America's net worth shrinks $1.33 trillion in the first three months of this year. Luckily, my "self worth" and "net awesomeosity" has risen 4,983 percent! WOOT, NOW!

CATCH PHRASE! The world rejoices as Donald Trump finally tells Miss Homophobe California Carrie Prejean, 'YOU'RE FIRED!"

LAFF IT UP! David Letterman kinda sorta apologizes for insulting Sarah Palin's daughter—but not really.

SCIENCE/DEATH CORNER! Scientists postulate that Mount St. Helens may actually be sitting on a "super volcano". WHOOO! We got ourselves a "super volcano"! What you think of that, Seattle? SUCK OUR BIG VOLCANIC DICKS!! (Wait. We're going to die, aren't we?)

DANNY DeDRUNKO! Yet another super awkward morning interview with a wasted-out-of-his-gourd and very horny Danny DeVito (as well as his poor sober co-stars of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia). Watch it, and be prepared to say, "OH… MY… GOD."

[NOTE! This video was screwing up our blog, so I removed it. You can find it here if you're still interested!]