That's the official line of our esteemed editor Wm.Steven Humphrey on today's big free speech/tech story: "NYTimes and Wikipedia Save Reporter’s Life By NOT Reporting On His Capture."

Earlier last week, New York Times reporter David Rohde escaped from a Taliban prison. He had been a Taliban hostage for the last seven months, but the general public had absolutely no clue. In a joint effort by The New York Times and Wikipedia, the story was kept quiet until his daring escape.

I guess it's time to let a few more cats out of a few more bags: For the last seven months Mercury food editor Patrick Coleman has been kidnapped by a local deli owner and forced to rub pastrami lotion on himself, Silence of the Lambs style, in the bottom of a pit in said gentleman's basement. We kept it secret to avoid "feeding the trolls."

"There'll be obvious comments from people saying 'I thought his writing was better than before'," says Coleman, who was recently released just in time to take over from the drunken chimp we had commissioned to "ghost edit" Coleman's section.

Also: I have not been "working from home" for the last three years, but in fact, was kidnapped by City Commissioner Dan Saltzman in 2006 and have been doing his bidding via Wireless from a dungeon at Saltzman Towers, ever since.

Needless to say, these truth-tellings may throw up Orwellian trust and free speech questions, but we only lied to protect our own. Just like the New York Times and Wikipedia. More at Buzzfeed.