• Hippie sham? Or ALZHEIMER'S DEATH PASTE!?

Okay, so, you know how the whole world won't shut up about how this stuff that I rub on my armpits every day is a total murderer? And I'm slowly murdering myself to death in the name of vanity, when, instead, I could daintily brush a sprig of lavender (OR A MAGICKAL CRYSTAL) 'gainst the offending region and be just as non-stinky*, with the added bonus of never, EVER being allegedly starved to death by my ne'er-do-well children because they're tired of my Alzheimer's-induced feces consumption?

I resisted for years (I LOVE CHEMICALS), but three days ago I made the switch to hippie deodorant. And you know what? Thanks for nothing, Sir Thomas, King of All Maine! The only difference between me without greasy baking soda loaf rubbed under my arm and me with greasy baking soda loaf rubbed under my arm is a certain HINT OF UNDERARM BAKING SODA GREASINESS. I smell a sham. Sham! (Also, an armpit!)

So even though science seems to say that antiperspirant is not a serial killer (and rapist!), how come everyone else in armpit-monitoring society says it is? Is it because people love screaming? What is a lady to do? What is the answer to this quandary!? I just want someone to tell me what I should rub on my armpit (and don't say "come"—I know how you people work).

*Incidentally, my natural bouquet is something approaching Pillsbury Crescent Rolls (with a hint of rainbow!) and needs no chemical cover-up but, in fact, is currently the object of a heated bidding war between several Korean industrial air freshener corporations (I thank you kindly for the Pepperidge Farm Cornucopious Country Meat Basket™, Mr. Kim**, but all the summer sausage in the world won't change my mind). But it's the principle of the thing, you know.

**Incidentally, as founder and CEO of Kim & Sons' Original Industrial Air Freshener and Summer Sausage Emporium, Mr. Kim does produce all the summer sausage in the world.