Hey guys! Guess what?? I just bought the Mercury a LIVE BEAR on eBay!! As you know, we've been in dire need of a half-way decent mascot for quite a while now (Sorry Ezra, but pugs don't make decent doorstops, let alone mascots), and get a load of the one I scored! His name is Miguel the Mercury Bear, and not only can he turn flips, and say "up yours" in sign language, HE PLAYS THE MOTHER-EFFING TRUMPET, YO!
And can you believe it—he only cost $25 bones! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY IN MERCURY HISTORY! THIS BEAR WILL BE THE BEST… hold on… just reading the fine print on eBay here… hmmmm… turns out he mauled and eviscerated everyone on this soccer team. Okay… well… anybody want to buy a slightly used bear? HE PLAYS THE TRUMPET!!

Hola, Deadspin!