Perhaps because my diet consists largely of Kit-Kats, usually when I approach Mercury Food Editor Patrick Coleman about writing for the Mercury's food section, our interactions go like this:

ME: Man, Patrick Swayze sure was graceful, wasn't he? I'm really sad that he's gone.
PATRICK: Uh... sure?
ME: Hey, that reminds me: You should let me review food for your food section! I like telling people my opinions!
PATRICK: You know nothing about food.
ME: ...
PATRICK: You had seven Kit-Kats for lunch today.
ME: Fuck you, Patrick.


But you know what I do fucking know about, Patrick? You know what I am qualified to drink? FUCKING DUNGEONS & MOTHERFUCKING DRAGONS SODA POP, THAT'S WHAT.

I just ordered a six-pack of them—containing the fantastical flavors "Potion of Healing," "Dwarven Draught," "Eldritch Beast," "Sneak Attack," "Bigby's Crushing Thirst Destroyer," and my sure-to-be-favorite, "Illithid Brain Juice"—and as soon as they arrive (HURRY UP! ARRIVE ALREADY!) I will be drinking them all in a row, probably while watching this over and over and over ("Now it's your time to DIEEEEEEEEE!"), and then I will review them for you, dear Blogtown readers, whether Patrick Coleman says it's okay or not. Sleep easy this eventide, friends; thou shalt have mine opinion on D&D elixir 'fore thou knowest.

Thanks to Topless Robot. Want to drink along? Dungeons & Dragons Spellcasting Soda available here.