Psst! Hey, you.
No, not you, your friend. You at the end of the bar, what's your name? Portland? What do your friends call you? Stumptown? Hehehehe. Oh nothing... nothing...
Look Stump, I know we just met, but I feel like I can trust you. You have a very honest face, you know.
Ok here goes: do you want to know my secret fantasy? I've never told this to anyone before. I can see you're a little intrigued. Your body-language says "no," but your face says "I'm too scared to make any sudden movements."

Listen. (OhmygahIcan'tbelieveI'mtellingyouthis!)

Ever since I was little I've had this fantasy where I'm in this cool, independent movie theater like Cinema 21, but they weren't showing normal movies. They're showing, like... porny movies. Like, all kinds of porn - gay, straight, cartoon, weird. These weren't normal porn films, though; they all starred my friends and neighbors from around Portland and Seattle. And (this is where it really gets crazy) dreamboat sex-columnist Dan Savage is there hosting the whole thing! It all lasts for two days (October 24th and 25th) and the creators of the hottest film and the funniest film each win a $2,000 prize before all the film prints are destroyed never to be seen again!

Weird, right? I don't know where this comes from... when I was a kid I used to rub myself on the doorjamb a lot... But look, maybe I'm being brash, but you're still here, I'm still here. Maybe we could make this thing happen, Portland? Just you, me and Dan.