Ford motor company makes an unexpected profit of $997 million. [Dumb nonsensical joke deleted for being dumb and nonsensical.]

Creepy cheater/Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai has been re-elected (thanks in no small part to him being THE ONLY PERSON LEFT IN THE RACE).

Republicans continue to bellyache about Obama, accusing his stimulus package of being a failure. Here's why their accusations are bullshit.

During military exercises, Russia simulates a nuclear attack on Poland. Poland responds by simulating outrage.

Elton John catches the flu and postpones his Seattle and Portland gigs! (Please god, tell me he didn't give it to Billy Joel!)

Here's that "most depressing story of the day" story you were asking for.

After steel rods and a crossbeam fell six days ago causing traffic nightmares, the San Francisco Bay Bridge is finally back up and running. Naturally, no one cares about this information except Kiala, but I thought I'd give her a shout out. Hi Kiala! Liked your Halloween costume!

Jay Leno says that he'd take his old job back at the Tonight Show (replacing Conan O'Brien) if he were offered it. I'd like to offer Jay a different position, in which he should go eff himself.

Basic Rights Oregon kicks off their drive to eventually overturn the homophobic "marriage = one man, one woman" bullshit with a rally tonight in Portland.

And finally... HEY GUYS! Thanks to everyone who showed up for our super fun and ka-raxy Halloween party at the Doug Fir (and especially those brave and funny souls who competed in our Costume Stripping contest)! Next year I'm dressing up as Christopher Walken reading the lyrics to Lady Gaga's "Poker Face."