Obama is expected to announce his grand plan for Afghanistan next Tuesday, which very well could be a "shrug" coupled with a "Idunno."

The President will also be attending the Copenhagen climate conference next month to explain how the US plans to make substantial cuts in greenhouse emissions. (Again, "shrug," "Idunno.")

Toyota vows to replace 4 million accelerator pedals that caused cars to suddenleeeeeeeeee… WHOAAAAA! HOW DO YOU STOP THIS CRAZY THING??!?

Roman Polanski is allowed out of jail but must remain under house arrest in his hot tub with at least five pre-teens at all times.

In a shocking upset, Donny Osmond won this season's Dancing with the Stars. Damn it, those Mormons win everything!

Former CNN dickweed Lou Dobbs is planning a Senate run in New Jersey. THERE'S A SHOCKER.

According to Us Magazine, Angelina Jolie hates Barack Obama. So I guess that makes a presidential BJ out of the question.

And finally, while you're admiring the athletic prowess of Thanksgiving day college football tomorrow, just remember they are a bunch of milksops compared to the powerhouse #36 on this peewee football team who nearly knocks his crying opponents back into their mama's vaginas. OUCH!!