Obama: Magic. State of the Union stresses job creation, not healthcare, and aims to "restore magic". Uh, guys, did you forget what Jon Stewart taught you? Obama is not a "magic negro."

Don't Ask, Don't Tell: Doomed? Obama says he'll repeal it.

Hillary: Tired. Someday, says the Secretary of State, she really wants to be a teacher.

Cars: Making Money. Ford posts its first profit in five years.

China: Ripping Off Google Since 2010. As China and Google battle over privacy, the country's innovators respond with what they do best—launching web browser "Goojje" and video site "YouTubecn".


America: Bleeding Money. Soldiers in Afghanistan try to rein in shoddy, expensive construction contractors.

iPad: Still, uh, Bleeding: The Internet wants to know—will all these period jokes hurt Apple sales?

Downtown Suicide: Tragic. The man who set himself on fire in Portland yesterday was mentally ill and sleeping on the streets.

Trains: Packed with Money! The feds reject Oregon's bid for high speed rail grants, but give us $598 million to do boring stuff like fix Union Station's roof.

Local Teens: Alarmed! Yes, yes, all this news is important. But what do teens think of Greg Oden's sexting?!