Obama lays out the legislative proposal for overhauling health care in advance of Thursday's all-day televised summit/debate. (Five bucks says that Republicans will play nice for maybe an hour before finally admitting they're just trying to ruin everything.)

Brooklyn police officers are acquitted of charges of abusing and sodomizing a suspect. "During two hours on the witness stand, Officer Maloney said he had come forward to quiet false allegations that Officer Cruz had sodomized Mr. Mineo. He said he saw Officer Kern press his baton into Mr. Mineo’s buttocks, but also said he did not think it amounted to abuse." Unless the victim was murmuring "ooh-baby-baby," maybe it was abuse.

Today in "Whups": NATO airstrike kills 27 Afghan civilians.

Toyota receives a Federal subpoena demanding documents related to their crazy accelerating gas pedals. Toyota replies, "We'll speed those right over! Vrrrrrrooooooommm!"

The actor known as Richard "Boner" Stabone from Growing Pains is MISSING. (Kurt Cameron probably thinks the Rapture got him.)

Check out your next credit card statement for the shock of your life, when the card companies will be forced to tell you the TRUTH about what you're actually spending!

The daughter of the guy who crashed his plane into a Texas IRS building is calling him a hero, but agrees his actions were "inappropriate." Oh? You think?

US Hockey team pulls a surprise upset over Canada—and the dumbshits over at NBC only broadcast 30 seconds of it.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Gorgeous sun today, but rain returns tomorrow and Wednesday—don't worry, though! The sun will be fighting its way back on Thursday and Friday.

And finally, SQUIRREL FIGHT! SQUIRREL FIGHT! SQUIRREL FIGHT! (Which weirdly sounds like the soundtrack to our editorial meetings.)