Is anyone going to be surprised if I say I love Ground Kontrol?

You can almost taste the pickles pixels!
  • Ground Kontrol
  • You can almost taste the pickles pixels!

Hell, I'm personally cited three separate times in Wikipedia's entry for GK — twice for articles from Blogtown and once from an interview with Ground Kontrol co-owner/omnipresent figurehead Anthony Ramos I wrote in my early days at Destructoid — which, if my math is on point, is 50 percent more benevolent pimping than The Oregonian has offered our city's finest arcade.

(Of course, it's not really their fault. They're too busy distributing deadly razor knives to the homeless [citation needed] to properly cover the positive facets of our city.)

Anyway, where was I? Oh right, I love Ground Kontrol, and when I get an e-mail from the people who run the place asking if I can help them earn a bit of extra scratch and prove that Portland has the bestest retro arcade in the world, I'm all up on that.

Hit the jump for an explanation.

Moments ago I received an e-mail from Ground Kontrol head Art Santana, politely asking if I could manipulate the general public like the mindless puppets that you all truly are help spread the word on an ongoing contest that gives you a chance to directly aid the world's bestest retro arcade.

Thus, details straight from Ground Kontrol's official site:


Play Stride’s “Save The Arcades” Game and Help Us Win $25,000!

April 20th, 2010

Ground Kontrol is a finalist in Stride Gum’s Save The Arcades contest!
The grand prize is $25,000 and we need YOUR help to win it. Here’s

1. Surf on over to the Stride Save The Arcades website and register
an account. You can’t donate your points without one!
2. Play COWBOTS 2010.
3. Donate your final score to “Ground Kontrol Classic Arcade.”
4. Repeat as often as you like, and tell your friends! (Remember to
sign in before each gaming session.)

The arcade that receives the most points by June 15th will win the prize.

Which begs the question — what would Ground Kontrol do with the prize
money if we won? As luck would have it, we’ve been working on plans
to expand our second floor so we can feature more of the classic games
you love. But…we’ve had a hard time trying to figure out how to pay
for it. If we come out on top, you can bet we’ll put every last
dollar to work bringing you more games and more fun. So, put those
well-honed arcade skills to work and show your love for the best
arcade in the Pacific Northwest! Thanks to all of our customers and
fans in Portland and beyond for your support!

To be straight with you, yes, this is a blatant marketing stunt on behalf of Stride. I'm not going to try to sugar coat that.

Support The Portland Mercury

But, since the proceeds of the contest could be used to ward off the skeletonic claw that has claimed so many arcades over the past few decades, this is essentially charity work. I've got it on good authority that St. Peter will weigh your participation in this thing against all those hours you've spent masturbating to certain unwholesome images.

So what's it gonna be? Prove that you're a good person by helping out the only video arcade that never once wished death on your mom, or spend the rest of the night stuffing your fat face with Corn Nuts and writing bizarre, rambling, angry letters to the family of Shari Lewis?

Yes my child, I think you know which is the right choice.