Get ready to stand in line for a totally new brunch experience, Portland! Burger King has started rolling out their brand-spankin-new brunch menu! What does that mean? Whoppers before 11 am! Also, non-alcoholic mimosas that feature Sprite instead of champagne! Also, a new breakfast sandwich featuring eggs, cheese, ham, AND bacon! Also… Well, actually, that’s about it.

I think Burger King has a great idea here, and Portland should really eat it up (woka woka). But the BK will need to step up its game to provide a true Portland brunch experience. I’ve got a few suggestions after the jump.

Close your drive-thru, chuck out half of the seating, and impose a waiting list regardless of whether there are open tables or not. A Portland brunch is simply not a brunch without at least a 30 minute wait.

Hire some hung-over hipsters to sip coffee dispassionately outside as if they are waiting for their cure. There are some people on the payroll at the Mercury who could probably use the extra dough.

Three words: Gravy on everything!

Hire hung-over hipsters to dispassionately serve your clientele as if they are waiting to get off shift and get their cure.

Two words: Cranky Infants!

You must serve Stumptown coffee, if only on the weekends. Make sure you brew it poorly and that the self-serve vacuum pot is always just a half cup away from being empty.

Honky it up a bit! For instance, “Bagels Rancheros.”

How about you Blogtownies? Do you have any ideas for Burger King to really Portland-ify their brunch? Drop ‘em in the comments!

And thanks to Blogtown tipper Emily for making us aware of this possible new brunch opportunity!