There's some gentle wooing as the first returns come in at 66% to 31%, Kitzhaber. This really is a catastrophically boring party. There are free drinks and fancy hipster mustaches at other parties? Here there's a crush of earnest looking, polite minglers in the corner, watching returns come in ("Look at the margins! Look at the margins!"), though the podium at the front of the room is still conspicuously empty. There are brownie squares and carrot sticks. The room's still only about 1/3 full.

8:14 pm: Podium=activated! "The program's going to get started in a couple of minutes," a lady tells us. Oh. She'll be back in a couple of minutes to "get this party started." Okay, then. Back to ogling firefighters.

John is "on his way," we're told. Ho hum. Mercury Senior Editor Erik Henriksen insists I note that he "endorses the brownies wholeheartedly."

Also, the wifi is slow as balls. My computer is starting to smoke.