So the New York Times reports that a few people checked out the opening day of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, a truly magical and totally kickass place that my boring girlfriend refuses to take me to because she "can't afford to fly [me] to Florida" and "doesn't want to feel like [she's] dating a five-year-old" and "doesn't like me when [I] have too many juice boxes." Anyway, what the shit, yo? So I can't go, but these jackasses get to be there on opening day?

One in 10 visitors dressed in some manner of Hogwarts attire. Aaron Gust, 20, was in full Hufflepuff regalia—right down to the school tie—and had donned an invisibility cloak. Paige Passantino was dressed as Luna Lovegood, whom she described as “the eccentric Ravenclaw.”

WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE. Hey 20-year-old Aaron Gust! I'm 30 and I spent Saturday afternoon crying about the last half of Toy Story 3, so I'm not going to get all up in your grill about dressing up to go to Harry Potter Land. HOWEVER:

You dressed up as a fucking Hufflepuff, man? And then, to accent that horrible decision, you "donned an invisibility cloak"? You decided to wear the one piece of Potter-esque clothing that will not function in the real world? That, by its very nature, draws attention to its non-magicalness? C'mon, Aaron Gust! That's such a stupid idea only a Hufflepuff would've come up with it.

That said, Aaron Gust is overshadowed by a few other attendees: the Passantino sisters. Especially Blythe, who seems intent on ruining the most magical and kickass day ever with the single most depressing quote of all time.

Blythe and Paige Passantino, sisters from Charlotte, N.C., were among the throng of people who assembled before dawn hoping to be among the first to pass under the sign reading “Please Respect the Spell Limits” and soak in the experience. It was “so much better than I could have imagined it,” said Paige Passantino, 18.

Blythe Passantino, 21, followed with a tearful admission of her own: “I really wanted to live here; it was so much better than our real lives.”

Okay. So I think I'm gonna wait a few weeks before checking out Wizarding World. Maybe then the Hufflepuffs won't be around anymore, at least. But I have no doubt that Blythe Passantino will always be there, forever and ever, hiding in various nooks and crannies and pipes like Moaning Myrtle, wiping away her tears as she cannily dodges Universal Studios security, vowing to never, ever leave.

*FYI, I am a Gryffindor.