Forgive me, but I can't get behind all those cops on horses that ride around patrolling downtown. Literally, I can't get behind them, because if I do, I'll be covered in a big pile of wheaty horse crap like everything else they leave in their wake. We cut 25 jobs to save those damn horses because a bunch of pony lovers thinks they're pretty?!

I'll tell you a horse story. One time I was downtown on the bus mall, and I saw an officer, sitting high up on his horsey, bend over double to frisk and handcuff a homeless man who was standing on the ground. That's what happens. Plus the shit.

So: I urge you to join me on an anti-manure campaign. Where's the cleanup crew when you need them? Why do we even pay a cleanup crew when we could just install those post-horse bags like carriages have? WHY DO WE EVEN NEED HORSES?

When you see shit, call it in. The city's problem reporting hotline is 503-823-4000. Or, you can download the handy problem reporter app: I provide a pictorial example to the left. Take action today—and don't let horseshit take over our fair city.