This has been creeping up on me for awhile, but as of today I officially have a pet peeve: CALLING PORTLAND PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. (Joining the proclamation that "there are no black people in Portland" already ensconced in the "Portland-related sayings" folder of my pet peeve collection.) What a meaningless, needling, and super passive aggressive bullshit cop-out thing to say. I'm tired of hearing it—is that direct enough for you? Am I being sufficiently clear and upfront about my feelings here? And yet, it just keeps happening. From three—three!—I, Anonymouses sitting in the I, Anonymous mailbag today:
Dear passive aggressive Portland. Fuck you. I've always hated that people here are such fucking pussies that they feel the need to address their grievances by writing anonymous complaints in this column or talking shit through the grapevine. If you have a fucking problem, then have some fucking gumption and stand up and voice it. If I piss you off, tell me I'm pissing you off and we'll figure out how to work together harmoniously. It doesn't do anyone any good to harbor resentments and express them months down the line behind a mask of unnamed text. Portland is an oasis of creative freedom in a desert of brainwashed corporate slaves, let's grow the fuck up and get all the high school bullshit out of the way.
Bullshit like making blanket layman behavioral psychology diagnoses of an entire fucking metropolitan area because you have girl problems?
Dear Portland, It seems most appropriate to address you by utilizing the column
which best exemplifies your passive-aggressive, hypocritical ways. When I moved
from Oakland five years back, I was awed by your open arms and generosity for
about three months before I realized you were lying to my face and talking shit
behind my back. While likely a quaint place to raise a family, I’ll leave you without having met
an available girl who wasn’t a selfish snob looking for some pathetic sap to
boss around. Presumably your omnipresent mustaches are your males’ way of
announcing their lack of independent thought.
This one goes on and on. Read the rest of it to learn about some of the other ways it sucks that things didn't work out here for this particular individual (sugary infused-vodka cocktails?! What were you thinking, Portland?!), plus one more example of overused passive-aggressive bomb-dropping after the jump.
I’m impressed by your ability to attract mid-westerners seeking an alternative
to working for a living. You embrace those who wish they were artists but
aren’t. Unlike the mid-west, you have no idea what to do when it snows; being
in denial that it does so EVERY year.
You discuss beer unceasingly yet mostly drink flavorless PBR. I needn’t mention
your shitty wine, clueless distilleries or sugary infused-vodka cocktails.
Feigning vegetarian practices, your restaurants offer a shitty garden burger, a
tiny hummus plate or elementary-school cafeteria mac and cheese. While you
attempt a surprising range of ethnic foods considering your homogeny (How DO you
have more Thai restaurants than Thai people?) it is fittingly bland and
Your obsession with bicycles is indeed un-American, but I wish you’d learn to
drive. When I lament your incompetence while merging, you respond, “I know;
people won’t slow down and let you in!” proving your ignorance.
You love playing pretend sports like kickball. Hilariously, you don’t even
know the rules as they are the same as baseball. Watching the AAA Beavers is
easily the most enjoyable way to spend an evening with you, but you consider
them a cancer to be rid of.
Portland: Famous for its lack of vegetarian options (you have to go to the mid-west for that).
Dear Self Righteous Portlanders, Who the FUCK do you think you are? You are not my mother, brother, sister, or father. You have no right to assume things about me, condescend to me, or yell at me. Why do you feel the need to butt into people's business with your opinions and actions? Is it because you think you are some sort of activist? First, you accuse me of neglecting my dog when she is clearly well fed, well trained, and well groomed (rescued even). You have probably never even had a dog, or you would have realized that dogs pant when it's hot, that's how they cool themselves down. Also, might I add, that yelling at me that you will, "fucking follow me home!" in public no less, just makes you look like the crazy bitch that you clearly are? Then, in the same week, you (different person...maybe) steal my cat (who has had a breathing problem her WHOLE life) and take it upon yourself to send her to the vet while I'm at work. They would have euthanized her if my roommate had not found the note you left on our doorstep, so DUH she's not a stray if you found her at our house! How would you have felt when the missing cat signs went up and you realized you killed my cat? Yeah, that's what I thought. Keep it to yourselves Portland 'cause next time it won't be pretty. Actually, now that I think about it, you are probably not even from here because real Portlanders are passive agressive. Yeah, actually forget that I even wrote this, I don't like confrontation.
Actually, that one doesn't piss me off as much.