I had never been shopping at the Portland IKEA until last night, when I trekked to Cascade Station and spent three hours under IKEA's practical, reasonably priced lighting. And now I feel like a failure. Here is why:

1. When you get off the MAX train, you will crave a smoothie and head to Jamba Juice. There is a line. The perky Jamba Team Member will shout "Jamba!" after each purchase. You will back out of the Jamba Juice, failing to cope with a world where people are forced to smile and shout, "Jamba!"

2. Having forgone Jamba Juice, you will go to Yo Cream because it seems really popular and what the hell is Yo Cream? Inside, you will realize that Yo Cream is "eco friendly" frozen yogurt, complete with prominently labeled eco-containers and eco-spoons. You will feel like a failure for paying $5 for 12.5 ounces of environmentally friendly frozen yogurt.

3. Once you ascend the central escalator of IKEA, you will realize you are shopping at IKEA and this makes you middle class and boring and means you will fill your house with belongings, rid your house of belongings, fill it again and, someday, die. The colors of the complimentary Bright Yellow Bags do little to ward off this descending feeling of doom.

4. Following the path to the kitchen section, you realize that no matter how many Bekvams, Flyttas and Grolands you buy, your kitchen will never look like the IKEA catalog kitchen because, despite having the full rights of an adult citizen, you cannot figure out how to store possessions in any other manner than giant fucking piles on every counter and besides, your refrigerator contains exclusively beer and condiments and rotten fruit, anyway, because you are a failure.

5. Having decided you will never purchase a Bekvam or Flytta or Groland because you should never own anything you can't pack into a suitcase because now that the walls of your life are closing in, you have to make it count and flee all commitment as quickly as possible, you will realize that you can't afford a Flytta and you should probably just go home to your poorly-decorated house like a failure.

Then you will discover that IKEA sells prawn cheese spread in a tube and your life will seem brighter.