So as you know, I've impregnated a lot of women—and as such, a number of my offspring (spread all across the country) are attending their first day of kindergarten today. I escorted one of them to class this morning (her name escapes me), and let me tell you the entire experience had the stink of Auschwitz.

1) Crowds of parents and kids marching down long narrow halls.
2) A brief hug before the child disappears into a mysterious room.
3) Wails of terror.
4) Parents sadly walking away, weeping uncontrollably.

That's Auschwitz, baby. Anyway, I didn't think to do it at the time (AND NOT BECAUSE I WAS CRYING OR ANYTHING), but when my kids get older, I'm going to start treating the first day of school with the humor it deserves, and perhaps do something like this hairy-chested guy did.

"It's the first day of school and the girls are watching!"