Dear Justin Bieber:

I know it's been 27 minutes since I last wrote, but I must take umbrage with your latest business decision, and NO, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS, BECAUSE THIS IS THE GREATEST THING IN THE WORLD!! PANT! PANT!! AHHH-RROOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I'm talking about your decision to take over hosting duties for the abysmally annoying Ashton Kutcher TV show, Punk'd. Here are some very good reasons why you're making a monumentally ignorant decision:

1) You really, really, really don't want anything to do with Ashton Kutcher. Ashton Kutcher is the genital herpes of Hollywood. Ashton Kutcher has never done anything of worth in his life—and this includes pity porking Demi Moore. And he did this:

People have been kick-fucked for less.

2) Now's not a good time to be video pranking ANYONE.

3) If you "punk" someone, you can expect to be "punk'd" in return. For example, what if someone were to tell you that your entire career was a joke? I mean, really. Discovered on the internet? Picked up by Usher? A Canadian nobody that has a flat, pitchy voice and only moderate dance skills that just somehow becomes the most adored pop star on the planet? One could ask, "Who is punking who?"

4) Besides, as long as there's an internet, there will be multiple ways for people to punk YOU. Such as... SARAH BIEBER.

After the jump, four more examples.

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5.

And once again, I rest my case.

Sincerely yours,
Wm.™ Steven Humphrey