Frito-Lay has announced they’re no longer going to package Sun Chips in those unbearably loud compostable bags.

Thank Krishna.

I do care about the environment — almost as much as Osama bin Laden does — but like any real American, I only like sustainability that comes in green paper boxes with names like “Bio-Clean” or “Eco-Enema.” Once sustainability starts imposing on my right to eat quietly, it’s gone far enough. I applaud the Frito-Lay company for showing mercy to its desperate consumers, and getting rid of those deafening bags. Those Sun Chips were so loud; I couldn’t even hear the Fleet Foxes pumping from the MacBook in my hemp man-purse.