Professor Whiskers celebrates after winning the trophy for Outstanding Achievement in World Music.
  • Professor Whiskers celebrates after winning the trophy for "Outstanding Achievement in World Music."

Christ. The single most embarrassing moment in local music, the annual sham that is the Portland Music Awards, returns for year number four—which is exactly four years too many.

The shamefully out-of-touch event run by snakeoil pitchman Craig Marquardo, formerly of the defunct Music Spectator magazine (guess he never got that $25000 he was looking for), returns to the Crystal Ballroom on January 28. But enough about all that, let's roll out the red fucking carpet and see what notable Portland bands will be performing at the PMAs in 2011.

Tommy Tutone
Christian Kane
Throwback Suburbia
Brothers Of The Baladi
The Slants
Strange Tones
Idle Poet
Portland School of Rock
and a special performance by guitar goddess Jennifer Batten (Michael Jackson, Jeff Beck)

Really? That's it? You couldn't even dust off a member of the Kingsmen again? Does Tommy Tutone—as in the guy who wrote a song about a phone number—actually live here? His MySpace page says he's a Nashville resident. Whatever, that's close enough. Same goes for Christian Kane. But he's on Leverage, so clearly that means he represents Portland music like no other. And Idle Poet? Well, that's Marquado's band, of course. No conflict of interest there.

End Hits: Does this mean it was really 503-867-5309 all this time? Mystery solved!