Last night's was the penultimate episode of Jersey Shore's second season. It's time to start looking back at what has happened to one of my favorite shows on television.


When they began Jersey Shore MTV attempted something ingeniously simple: put a bunch of strangers in a house a la Big Brother but they are all from the same general area and have the same general goals and delusions. It was like putting scorpions in a Bell jar and seeing what they do. What was fascinating and foreign at first soon became tedious, familiar and pretty little sad.

But there's no way to revive the show! It's based completely on eight (or seven) personalities living together and being themselves. Now that those personalities have become brands MTV will never change them up but the schoolyard experiment is over. We know how these people interact with the world and each other. Bringing them to Miami was not a big enough change to give this season any spice. The only way the third season bringing the kids back to the actual Jersey shore will be interesting is if the show acknowledges how fact that their world has changed since the first season. These dunderheads are millionaires, for one thing. The Jersey shore itself is now festooned with memorabilia from the show. In a foggy part of my imagination I can think of what would make Jersey Shore interesting to me again (I think it would be kinda fascinating to see the cast dealing with groupies, idolaters and outraged locals who are ashamed to be associated with them) but I don't think it's going to happen. There's only so many ways MTV can beat this dead horse and I think the result is going to be pretty much what we saw last night.

Mike and Pauly brought girls home. Twice Situation proves himself to be too egotistical to play wingman, ruining Pauly D's chances at having meaningless sex with bar skanks. It was ugly to watch. Vinny, meanwhile, praises his lady by saying: "I know I like a girl when I can lie down with her for the whole night and feel comfortable." Standards!

Snooki was sad that her friend Ryder left because everyone else in the house is faaaaake. She and Mike made up kind of when Situation laid on top of her and kissed her while ignoring what she said.

Sammi and Ron got into yet another fight sprung completely out of Sam's incalculable amount of insecurities. Fishing for attention she asks, "I'm exotic looking, right?" "You look Asian. I like it," mumbles Ronnie. HOW DARE HE? His last girlfriend was Asian! If he likes Asians so much why doesn't he go back with her?! Why are we even together anyway? All we do is fight! Oh my God, baby, I love you so much.

Just for kicks Mike's car got towed by a bunch of jerkoffs who didn't want him to park in a No Parking zone. Mike and Vinny had to use a payphone because of it (these people don't have cells?). Also some firemen arrived at the house and then left.

There you have it: exactly the kind of scintillating action I expect next season.

Stray notes and quotes

Space means Guidos, juiceheads, gorillas, sexy tan sweaty boys and house music.

It was funny seeing Jwoww trying to be the voice of reason during Snooki's club fight while she was wearing only netting and pasties.

"You're cockblocking the whole world right now."

"I probably said blue when I should have said green."

"Evacuate the premise."

"That's actually one of my fantasies: to have a fireman come and put out my fire literally with his fire outfit on." Snooki thinks "literally" means "figuratively". That bothers me way more than it should.