[RECORD SCRAAAAATCH!] Stop the mothereffin' internet, because this news can't wait! Justin Bieber is launching his very own FRAGRANCE, ya'll! Ho-hum, you say? Every stupid pop star has their own fragrance, you say? I really wish Hump would end his pedophilic ramblings about this no-talent teenage stinkhole, you say?
Well, "POOH-POOH YOU," I retort, because this fragrance isn't just your ordinary perfume in a weirdly-shaped crystal bottle! From WWD:

The 16-year-old tween and teen heartthrob has teamed up with the newly formed company Etoile Nation Beauty to introduce wristbands and dog tags infused with a unisex fragrance called My World. The scented accessories are slated to launch in Wal-Mart stores on Black Friday.

Man, the term "black Friday" just keeps earning its name doesn't it? But seriously, can you imagine? Perfume scented wristbands and dogtags? This is sincerely the greatest idea and technological advancement in personal grooming since Glide Tooth Floss! (Remember how shitty flossing used to be before Glide came along? Me, too.) GODDAMMIT, I wish I had come up with this idea! Trust me, this is gonna be the biggest thing since those idiotic "Silly Bandz"—because now kids don't have to leave the house smelling like a whore. They can leave the house, put on the wristband, and THEN smell like a whore. WAIT. Maybe they won't smell like a whore at all. Here's what Das Bieb says about choosing his fragrance.

“They actually brought me a bunch of stuff to smell today,” he said. “One of them smelled too young, too fruity. One was really good.”

As for what type of scent he finds alluring on girls, Bieber said, “I actually like the Britney Spears perfume on girls. It smells good.”

Hmm… so I suppose we can assume that if Britney is the smell of "hot skank," Eau du Biebs will have the fragrance of "cotton candy dipped in Aunt Jemima syrup." Folks, you're gonna be able to smell me coming a mile away!

Ack! My heart!! Oh, my hearts on the other side.
  • Tim Mosenfelder/Getty Images
  • "Ack! My heart!! Oh, my heart's on the other side."