Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Phoenix Suns to start the 2010-11 season. It was exactly 4316 hours ago that the Suns eliminated Portland in game six of the opening round of playoffs. Will the Blazers get their revenge tonight? Will they add to their streak of nine consecutive home openers? Will people bother to heckle Hedo Turkoglu? Or will the bald man be right?
Let's answer all those questions after the jump.
ANSWER KEY:
1. Most likely, yes.
2. See answer number one.
3. Doubtful.
4. God, I hope not.
PRE-GAME:
Before we begin, let's have a look at those Suns, shall we? Nowhere near as impressive as the team that rolled Portland in the postseason, the Suns were $99.7 million short in offering up a deal for Amare Stoudemire. Now in New York, the team replaced him with the dead-eyed Turkoglu, afro'd Josh Childress, and Hakim "Helicopter" Warrick. Not bad, but while every team gets older with each passing season, the Suns really got old. Even Steve Nash has seen the geriatric writing on the wall—in huge letters, like the big print edition of Reader's Digest—stating that even he wouldn't pick the Suns to make it to the playoffs.
The Blazers have suited up new signee Fabricio Oberto (hair update: still greasy), but it's doubtful he'll see any minutes on the court tonight. Your starting five: Nicolas Batum, LaMarcus Aldridge, Brandon Roy, Andre Miller, and Greg Oden. Just kidding, that was cruel. Marcus Camby, gimpy groin and all, gets the start.
Every year I come here—excitedly, like a kid on the first day of school—hoping that the team changes their pre-game routine, and every year it's the same damn Black Eyed Peas songs. At least the team loaded up their Netflix queue and have a new intro chock full of various motivational movie clips. Yeah, get me all pumped up, spray tan Al Pacino from Any Given Sunday. I just chestbumped a writer from ESPN. LET'S DO THIS!
Oh sorry. too much coffee. The team also has a new image projection thing on center court—soundtracked by that one Eminem song not about killing his ex-wife—which delayed the start of this game by a good ten minutes.
FIRST QUARTER:
10:57 - Oh sweet Lord, so much glorious ball movement. Everyone touches the ball and Batum hits an easy layup in dropped coverage. Following a layup by Robin Lopez, Batum does the exact same thing again. 4-2 Blazers.
9:40 - Much like last April, Jason Richardson kicks Blazer Nation in the collective throats with the quickest five points known to man. 9-7 Suns.
8:41 - After a lackluster preseason, Roy revs up and buries the first two three-pointers he attempts. Meanwhile Turkoglu airballs a three and the crowd boos and laughs. Mostly laughs. 14-11 Blazers.
6:01 - I swear Nash just traveled but no whistle. That's it, I am brining out the big guns: the greatest (Canadian) traveling animanted GIF ever. That was you, Nash. 17-16 Suns.
5:44 - Best player on the court right now, Nicolas Batum. 17-16 Suns.
5:34 - Welcome to the regular season, Wesley Matthews. 17-16 Suns.
4:25 - Camby with a long jumper, then an impressive and-one layup on the following play. Nice work for the only big man with two working knees. 21-17 Blazers.
3:27 - Rudy steals the ball and dribbles to PDX, checks-in, goes through security, goes through again (he left his belt on), then boards a flight to Spain. Dang, that was the only ball. Your final score, Blazers 21, Suns 20.
1:51 - Huge hustle play from Rudy to rescue a loose ball and bounce it off a surprised Nash. The result, Dante Cunningham blowing a layup. 25-24 Blazers.
1:24 - Oberto checks into the game. So much for not playing. I know nothing about basketball. 28-26 Blazers.
SECOND QUARTER:
12:00 - This game should be much closer than a single basket. The Blazers have outplayed the Suns for the first dozen minutes, well, every player but Richardson. He has nine points and hasn't missed a shot all night. 28-26 Blazers.
10:21 - Oberto clanks a jumper then commits a foul. Clearly he missed the memo that his job is to stand there and not get injured—nothing else. 31-27 Blazers.
9:35 - The Blazers second unit is just killing it. Bayless is not missed here. Cunningham buries a jumper then on a long rebound Armon Johnson leads a perfect fastbreak that results in a Matthews dunk. 35-30 Blazers.
7:44 - Aldridge picks up where he left off... with a hookshot airball. Roy bails him out with a fantastic three from the corner. 39-33 Blazers.
6:36 - Miller has taken two shots, both rejected by Lopez. Roy, again, saves the day and hits a 16-footer. 41-37 Blazers.
5:02 - Not your night, Dre. First a missed jumper, then a (tough) offensive charge call. No more shooting for you, 'kay? Richardson rubs it in by hitting a turnaround three from the corner. 44-40 Blazers.
3:59 - Miller doesn't take my advice and hits a tough layup in traffic. You win this round, Miller. 46-41 Blazers.
1:06 - Clearly determined not to lose his job to Johnson in the first game, Miller forces a shot and gets whistled for a travel. He follows that with a fastbreak he finishes over the outstretched arms of Nash. I was thinking Portland would break this game open by the half but it's not happening. 50-46 Blazers.
0:05 - Batum airballs as the shot clock expires. I'm pretty sure that is exactly what McMillan drew up. 50-46 Blazers.
0:00 - Halftime score: 50-46 Blazers.
THIRD QUARTER:
12:00 - Here comes the stat pony: Batum has a career high in offensive boards with five. That's two more offensive rebounds than the entire Suns team combined. Ouch. Roy and Richardson share the top scorer honor with 13.
10:22 - Camby to Batum for the gentlest alley-oop ever. Batum didn't even break that egg he is carrying all week for sixth period Health class. It teaches him a valuable lesson about what having a baby is like. He's young, he needs to know these things. 52-51 Blazers.
8:37 - Nash for three and now the Suns have the lead. it feels like April all over again. 56-55 Blazers.
7:05 - Miller gets poked in his eye. It pops out, but they push it back in. Just like a pug puppy. 60-59 Suns.
5:43 - Matthews catches a perfect halfcourt pass from Roy and converts an acrobatic layup while getting fouled. That was worth at least $13 million right there. 64-62 Blazers.
5:08 - Rudy for three, misses, Matthew rebounds, back to Rudy. Three more points. 67-62 Blazers.
3:44 - So much for that rally, Warrick with a layup and foul and the Suns push the lead to three. 72-69 Suns.
1:32 - Roy with a fading jumper that temporarily stalls the Phoenix onslaught. He adds to that with a steal from Nash, the a short runner. 76-75 Suns.
0:04 - Another late quarter meltdown. The Blazers spaz their way into another shotclock violation, and the Suns reply with a three from Portlander Channing Frye. Ugh. 81-75 Suns.
FOURTH QUARTER:
11:53 - Seven seconds in and Johnson gets swatted at the rim. Nice start. Matthews makes up for it by hitting a three. 81-78 Suns.
10:04 - Rudy blows a defensive assignment but is bailed out when Childress misses a layup two inches from the rim. He then destructs the entire offensive with a bad jump pass, but is bailed out again by a quick foul. Johnson saves the possession by hitting a short jumper (Bayless who?) and giving Portland the lead. 82-81 Blazers.
9:28 - Four guards—Rudy, Roy, Johnson, Matthews—in the game for the Blazers. No power forward whatsoever. The result? 24 second violation. That's some good passing. 84-82 Suns.
8:36 - The Suns have a way of crushing Aldridge's spirit. He is 2-7 shooting, for six points, and has been a ghost in the second half. But Armon Johnson ain't no ghost, he slices left and scores at the basket over Turkoglu. 86-86 tie.
7:19 - People still boo Turkoglu. I doubt he even remembers why. 86-86 tie.
6:27 - Yikes, you're going to think I am crazy, but I swear I just saw Aldrdige score a basket. In the fourth quarter! He then walked through a wall and slimed Dr. Peter Venkman. 88-88 tie.
5:44 - If we take anything away from this game it's that Armon Johnson is awesome. 90-88 Suns.
5:02 - Miller reads that last post and hits a jumper. So sensitive, that guy. 92-91 Blazers.
3:29 - After Aldrdige clanks a jumper he should have never taken, Nash rebounds and passes the ball to Alvin Gentry. His coach. In a suit. Off the court. That should be turnover number ten for him, but the scorekeeper only has him with eight. Regardless Batum answers with a jumper—five straight from Frenchy 88, plus a double-double on the night—and the Blazers pad the lead to a half-dozen. 97-91 Blazers.
2:26 - Roy for three, after some great ball rotation, and the lead is the biggest of the game. Just watching the passing on that play and the offensive rotation made me a very happy boy. The Blazers look really good if they can do that all season long. 100-91 Blazers.
1:49 - Batum is just rubbing it in now. He hits another three to close out this game. 103-92 Blazers.
0:53 - Batum again. Jeez. I thought French people were supposed to give up. Richardson coughs up the ball and that will do it. Your final score: Blazers 106, Suns 92. Batum finishes with 19 points and 11 boards, Camby chips in 13 point and 10 rebounds, and Roy leads all Portland scorers with 24.
Thanks for wasting your night with me. See you on November 4th.
