Good morning, animal lovers! So this fellow's dog goes missing in Troutdale, and he blames his farmer neighbor who's always complaining about dogs invading his chicken coop. The farmer's wife admits the dog had been caught in a leg trap. The man asks for his dog back. And then farmer tells him sure thing. I'll leave a shovel out for you. Because I shot and buried it.

Um, oh no, he didn't? Karl Rove says things about Sarah Palin in a British paper that he's not allowed to say on Fox News. Mainly that, “with all due candour, appearing on your own reality show on the Discovery Channel, I am not certain how that fits in the American calculus of 'that helps me see you in the Oval Office.’"

Nothing so arch was uttered
when Barack Obama became The First Sitting President to Appear on the Daily Show. Also, that "first sitting president" trumpeting annoys me. It's only had two other presidents to invite, and one of 'em was W. OH, OH, OH, AND I KNOW YOU'RE ALL PLANNING TO GO TO THIS, RIGHT?

Ever want to play SimTerrorist? Federal authorities construct an elaborate ruse, duping a man who said he wanted to wage jihad on the side of Al-Qaida into thinking he was actually doing so, and then arrest him for it.

American corporations spewing greenhouse gases into the sky—go figure!—would like to keep how much gas they emit something of a secret. (Good luck. I've been trying that for years.) The Environmental Protection Agency is pushing to make the amount of gas released—and the data used to discern that—available online.

What's worse for your kids? TV, text messages, Facebook and Web pornos, or reading inane stories about which things are worse for you?

Keep selling plasma. The economy and the job market won't be regaining much vigor anytime soon. Never mind that unemployment claims, in the most recent accounting of applications, have dropped. Sometimes that just means people have stopped looking.

Hey Risk junkies: If you have any armies in Kamchatka, you might want to move them to Irkutsk, Yakutsk, Japan or Alaska. Volcanic ash clouds are making a bit of a stink.

Did you know that Astronomy as we know it might be in the throes of a crisis? Now you do.

More than 4,000 people in earthquake-ruined Haiti, the land God apparently hates, have cholera. And the source of all that sick might be, UN investigators say, a trickle of shit from a military base left to flow untreated into a nearby river.

After all that horror—"the horror, the horror"—here's something cute to finish things: