Here's something I didn't have time to write about while I was hauling ass out of last night's Tea Party Election Night Bonanza. While I made my rounds of different groups' tables I found the MOST AMAZING OBJECT. How could I not buy this book?
The Liberal Clause: Socialism on a Sleigh is written by David Hedrick, a Tea Party candidate who lost his bid this year to be the Republican candidate for Washington's third district. You may remember him from this recent story where he is accused of physically assaulting his wife. I think I was the only person to buy a copy of The Liberal Clause last night because Hedrick came over personally to shake my hand, talking excitedly about what he'd created (the book costs $20 so I'm not surprised a lot of people passed). The story, he told me, came naturally one night as he was making up a bedtime story for his children (the book is dedicated to them with the warning "Never forget that free goodies from liberal elves often come at a price"). The satire where Obama steals Christmas that Hedrick came up with on that fateful night was too good not to be illustrated and published for all children to enjoy.
Are you ready for a bedtime story, Blogtownies? Below the cut are some pictures, a rundown of the plot and some choice excerpts for your edutainment.
The Liberal Clause takes place in the small town of Camas, WA where, for as long as anyone can remember, the children have been given the special responsibility of electing the Great Elf Council that serves at the North Pole. This year, however, the ballots go missing. Suspiciously, nasty ol' Elf Peloosi discovers a box she claims are the missing ballots under a shelf in the back of a union warehouse. The elves are so glad the ballots have been recovered that they don't bother to question the fact that there are more ballots returned than were cast! This is all reported in local newspaper, The Christmas Times, above a picture of Hendrick himself with the subtitle "Camas man's rant goes viral".
The elves' relief dissipates quickly as it becomes clear something fishy is going on. After the Liberal Party of Elves takes over the Great Council Santa Claus suddenly goes missing and the elf people are told he is being replaced. An excerpt from the book with all dubious spelling and punctuation kept intact:
"What about the Christmastution?" [an elf shouted].
Ignoring them, Elf Sneed shouted out, "My fellow elves, it is my distinct honor to present to you, the hope and change we have been waiting for; our new Claus!"
Shortly after these words left Sneed's mouth, a man dressed in Santa's suit stepped onto the stage and strutted to the mike. In front of him, a group of elves ran out holding up a TV screen with words on it. This was the first time the elves had seen a teleprompter at the North Pole. Santa Claus had always spoken from the heart.
The skinny imposter began to read.
"My fellow citizens of the North Pole," he stated with a hint of arrogance in his voice, "I am here to pull Christmas back from the brink of destruction. My name is Barry, but you can call me Liberal Claus."
"Are you even from the North Pole?" an elf questioned from the crowd.
Liberal Claus scowled at this elf with pure evil in his eyes. For a moment all of the elves stood in disbelief waiting for a response, but the response would never come.
So Liberal Claus goes on to trick the elves that there is a secret Liberal Clause (with an "e") in the Christmastution that allows him to do whatever he wants. The elves are fooled by this because schools in the North Pole have all stopped teaching the Christmastution long ago. That's when things go from bad to worse.
First a jackbooted elf shows up at the toy factory and, "by order of mein Liberal Claus", forces all the elves to join an eeeeeevil union.
From now on, for ever fifteen minutes of work there had to be fifteen minutes of break time. The work day was cut from eight hours to six hours with a two hour paid lunch break. If a toy supervisor gave instructions, the union would hold a meeting with every elf to talk about how they felt about those instructions. Toy quality control was no longer allowed, because it might hurt an elf's feelings. As a result, most toys were assembled wrong and were falling apart.
On top of this, Liberal Claus eliminates toy specialists and replaces them with "general toy practitioners" who follow his instructions to only create little red train cars and nothing else.
But what about the good children of Camas? Aren't they upset? A-ha, well this is where Liberal Claus' plan gets really scary. To keep the children from asking questions he begins routinely shipping them crates full of candy cane handouts.
The children were so occupied [eating candy canes] that they completely forgot about church. They arrived home so late that there was no time for their chores or their homework. What's more, they had eaten so much candy that there was no room in their bellies for their vegetables.
The children of Camas were not being very nice at all, and they didn't seem to care.
Meanwhile in the North Pole, Elf Sneed extinguishes all the hardworking elves' fireplaces and destroys their chairs to reduce elf-made global warming. The elves are instructed to sit on polar bears to keep warm while they listen to Mr. Snore (guess who he represents!) give a lecture on reducing their carbon footprint.
"As you can see from the hockey stick graph," Mr. Snore announced, "The earth will be consumed by fire within months if we do nothing." As the elves shivered in the cold, Mr. Snore continued, "Because of elf-made global warming, the ice caps are quickly disappearing and there are no more polar bears!"
At this, an elf in the crowd protested, "But Mr. Snore, this is the coldest year on record and we are sitting on polar bears."
With an angry scowl Mr. Snore responded, "You poor little elf, it is obvious that you have not been told the truth. You see, when it comes to elf made global warming, the debate is over!"
When Mr. Snore had finished his speech and boarded his private jet for home, the elves left with their polar bears. As they walked past the home of Liberal Claus, they could not help but notice smoke billowing from the chimney and the light of a raging fire dancing in the windows.
The biting satire continues. Liberal Claus deems sleigh companies too big to fail, gives them money and forces them to make poorly constructed "green" sleighs. All other churches close and the elves are forced to attend Liberal Claus' church, one overseen by the North Pole-hating Reverend Blight. ("The North Pole's chickens are coming home to roost!" etc.)
Then Christmas trees are newly christened "Holiday trees" and Lichelle, Liberal Claus' wife, travels to elf schools on a quixotic quest to fight snowman obesity.
"For the first time in my life, I am proud of the North Pole," Lichelle announced. "But we still have some problems that need work. For years, elves have made their snowmen with large, jolly center sections. This must stop! From this point forward, snowmen will look like this," Lichelle stated, stepping aside to reveal a snowman with a center section so small the young elves were sure it would collapse at any second. "Now fix your snowmen!" Lichelle commanded as she boarded her plane to continue her good work. As her plane took off, Lichelle's snowman collapsed to the ground.
To top off all of this indignity, Liberal Claus bankrupts the North Pole Treasury and when he decides he wants to buy a new sleigh he borrows money with interest from the greeeeedy Hineese. Yup, Hendrick changed Chinese to "Hineese".
Ah, but things can't stay this way forever. Though the other children are being tricked with candy canes, the true opiate of the masses, a brave little girl named Madelynn is sure something is up. That's when she catches her parents watching Ox News, the only balanced and fair news station available. Newly hipped to the peril Christmas is in, Madellyynn rounds up Camas' children and they create their own Tea Party. "The Christmastution is being ignored!" she yells to her assembled mob. "If we want to save Christmas, we must stop taking free candy and fire the liberal elves!"
At this, Liberal Claus flies down in his private jet to yell in her face. In the nick of time, Maddyelylnn unplugs his teleprompter leaving him speechless. Elf Peloosi tries to sway the children from voting her out of office with free candy canes but they all wave copies of the Christmastution at her and dump the candy into the Camas' lake. The Liberal Elf agenda vanquished, the children go home (stopping first at church to thank God for giving them the Christmastution) and do their homework.