Some of us love boobs. Probably most of us. But much like how the Tea Party hates providing health care for poor people, there will always be folks who align themselves contrary to popular opinion, just to be dicks. Here are a few stories from this week's conservative war on mammary freedom.

C'mon Barbie, Let's Go Party

  • Photo by Mark Lennihan, AP
Boobs have always been a great place to smuggle things: money, alcohol, small firearms, etc. The natural next step is to sneak a spy camera in there. It's brilliant. If you want to take a good picture of some evil conspirator's face, send in a sexy lady spy and place a camera right where you know the perp will be sneaking glances. That's why Mattel's new Barbie doll is coming equipped with a super-subtle spy camera built into her necklace, resting betwixt her plasticky bosoms — presumably for little girls' fantasy espionage adventures. The camera actually records 30 minute digital videos.

Anyway, an Australian psychologist is calling for a boycott of the new toy, because she fears the technology will allow adults to easily exploit children and allow children to upload inappropriate videos to YouTube. I suppose that's possible. But with such easy access to simple digital video technology in the average household, would this really present any new risks that aren't already there? And if little girls already know how to upload videos to YouTube, doesn't that mean they've already had the opportunity to play with (and potentially abuse) cameras?

So, it looks like "Video Girl Barbie" will probably stay on shelves, which is a victory for toys with boobs, for the time being.

Bringing Sexy Backpack Back

  • Courtesy of Pasco County School District
A Florida fourth-grader was told by his school district to leave his backpack home from now on, or to at least keep it out of sight from other students. Why? Because of its boobs. The pack, emblazoned with the tattoo-style image of a seductive woman tagging graffiti while being wrapped up by some sort of giant dragon snake monster thing has school officials feeling uncomfortable, and probably aroused. The boy's father argues that they should chill out, since the image is not pornographic, and that it does not depict any drugs, weapons or violence. If the pack is banned, the man has threatened to send his son to school in similarly-decorated t-shirts, in protest (speaking of exploiting children).

If the district bends on this, it will be a victory for backpack cartoon boobs. If they don't, it will be a victory for t-shit cartoon boobs.

Democracy: the right to choose what others can/can't choose to do (with their boobs)

A ballot initiative in Pittsfield, Mass. would have amended the state's nudity definition, allowing women to be undressed from the waist up any place where it is acceptable for men to be similarly undressed. About 70 percent of voters in Pittsfield's 3rd Berkshire District voted "no" on the proposition.

The failed measure is a clear and staggering defeat for actual human boobs.

So Portland, my question is: what side are you on?