For the child molester who's always on the go! "The Pedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure: a Child-lover's Code of Conduct," a self-published (duh!) electronic book, is available for sale on Amazon's Kindle. The book's author says pedophiles are "misunderstood." Meanwhile, that's what critics are saying about Amazon's policies over offensive content.

Wal-Mart is standing by the guillotine, wearing a Santa hat and glowering. The discount retailer, already squeezing the life out of kind, sweet ma-'n'-pa merchants with its impossibly low prices, is now offering FREE SHIPPING on tens of thousands of items (like toys and 'lectronic gadgets) this holiday season.

After days living like college kids—eating Pop-Tarts for dinner and doing business in overwhelmed, filthy poopers—the more than 4,000 passengers and crew members on a derelict cruise ship have been safely tugged back to port in San Diego.

Hey, Blogtownies. A survey! Raise your hand if you fuckin' love Tetris. Raise your hand if you suffer from "flashbacks." According to this report, if you geek out, you probably won't freak out. At least as much. Obsessively stacking digital blocks, apparently, is like therapy for traumatic incidents.

Solving the United States' ENORMOUS NATIONAL DEBT—an idea old white voters apparently love—means doing a bunch of shit that none of them will actually like. Why? Because that might mean cutting THEIR entitlements, like Social Security and Medicare. Also defense spending. It also means gently raising taxes. And pissing off liberals, too. PBS budget cuts, anyone?

That whole pope assassination thing back in 1981? The man who served time for the attempted shooting of John Paul II now says "the Vatican government decided on the Pope's assassination." Previously he blamed Bulgaria. Mehmet Ali Agca also declared himself "the Christ eternal" upon his recent release from a Turkish prison.

Um, okay. Good for you, I guess ...

Iraq's next surge. Foreign oil companies are pouring cash and workers into the crude-rich southern provinces of America's Middle Eastern vassal. Unlike Baghdad and other strife-torn cities which just want schools and hospitals, Basra, near Kuwait, is actually talking about extravagances like giant soccer stadiums.

How about Fuckowsky? Does that one count? Alaska's Senate race, already bizarre just because, has gotten more Lisa Murkowski, the state's current senator, waged a write-in campaign against Tea Party yahoo Joe Miller to keep her seat. Now a lot of those write-in ballots are being counted, and elections officials have to parse through all the stupid variations of her name. Murkowsi, Murkowsky, Muckowski, Merkowski, and Murcowski.

The Bilderberg Group and the TriLateral Commission
Leaders from the world's 20 largest economies are meeting right now, with the U.S. begging for a bone, even a dismissive nod or wave, from China. Talks reportedly went something like this: