The ethics trial of Rep. Charles B. Rangel hit a bit of a snag today when the defendant walked out, saying he no longer had enough money to afford a lawyer. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT???

"Lame duck congress" starts up today, where nothing will happen until the freshman class of Republicans take over—at which point, nothing will still happen. Congratulations, guys!

TSA to passengers: "We're sorry, but to ensure every passenger's safety, we must gently stroke your genitalia with our fingertips. (Some people pay for this kind of treatment, btw.)"

Facebook is announcing its own email service today, because it doesn't control enough of your life already.

In California, a car pulled a dick move which caused an accident that killed four motorcyclists plus another car's passenger, and then fled the scene.

Okay, guys, now if I tell you something, do you promise you'll come right back? YOU PROMISE? Okay... here we go. Scarlett Johansson in a swimsuit. YOU PROMISED YOU'D COME RIGHT BACK!!

Now the Pope's giving advice to athletes? Shut the fuck up, Pope!

In case you care, and I'm sure you don't, Tiger Woods' mistress Rachel Uchitel has broken her silence about her affair with the horny golfer.

Kyron Horman still not found, but the Oregonian needed something to write about, so there's this.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Showers on and off today with a high of 55, and a little sunnier tomorrow, before the week goes to shit.

And finally, today in HOLY SHIT: Check out this 14-year-old gay student who gives the rational smackdown to a school board who suspended a teacher who removed homophobic students from his class. This kid for president in 2024!