Here are the top five things Google Trends is talking about right now.

1) Girl Talk releases new dance party mash-up mix tape on the internets FOR FREE. (Which I tried to download, but got immediately foiled and scolded by our systems administrator. NAZISM!!!)

2) John "Don't Touch My Junk" Tyner is your newest folk hero who refused to have his genitals fondled by the TSA. Seriously, I want to get fondled by these guys just so I can moan loudly and embarrass the crap out of them.

3) So Walmart has released a circular announcing some of its Black Friday deals, and for reasons unknown, the hillbillies are shitting in their pants. (Wait... a 32-inch LCD television for only $198??? Pthtthbbbbbtthhhh! SHIT!)

4) Blah, blah, blah, hillbilly band Sugarland settles lawsuit, blah blah blah, with former member Kristen Hall, blah, blah, blah, who quit to start a solo career, blah blah blah, $14 million dollars?? Pthtthbbbbbtthhhh! SHIT!

5) Olympic swimmer and pothead Michael Phelps has been spotted in full canoodle mode with reality TV star Brittny Gastineau of E!'s Gastineau Girls, and NOBODY CARES!!! Goddammit, Google Trends! Talk about something interesting! Like how my five-year-old walked in on me having sex this weekend!