And the award for Best Beard goes to...
  • And the award for "Best Beard" goes to...

Our announcement of Smash Mouth as the headliners at the upcoming Portland Music Awards has been met with the appropriate amount of scorn, and it looks as though a Facebook page has already popped up today in response!

The "We want Portland Mercury Music Awards 2011" Facebook page is a very nice gesture, and it already has a whopping total eight (8) people who have clicked "like." Thanks for the overwhelming love guys! Although, we should probably tell you at this point that a Portland Mercury Music Awards kind of thing is very unlikely to happen. Things as they are, we're barely functional enough to barely get the paper out the door as is. Writing music articles already cuts into Ezra Ace Caraeff's precious "Tequila Time," and as we all have learned the hard way, if we ask for any more of his attention he is wont to get stabby. Meanwhile, I have been having enough trouble fulfilling my own job duties, what with all these chocolate fingerprints all over my keyboard and computer monitor.

So! Thanks Facebook friends.
A nice thought, a very cool gesture, and—at this point—a fucking pipe dream. But if such a thing were to happen, we'd really like to use it to celebrate some unheralded talent in the Portland music scene. Here are some of the awards we'd like to give out.

• Longest Song of the Year
• Grayest Album Cover
• Worst/Best Beard
• The Stephen Malkmus Memorial Award for the Most Bored And/Or Indifferent Frontman (this will probably go, once again, to Stephen Malkmus)
• Whitest Hiphop Group
• Surliest Barista (yes, this award will go to a musician)
• Newest California Band
• Most Ridiculous Old-Timey Clothes on a Totally Pretentious Folk Band
• Best Tired Reappropriation of '80s Synth-pop Tropes That Were Lame the First Time Around
• Best Contemporary World Music Album

End Hits
: At least it'd give us an excuse to dress up for ONCE.