Offshore drilling on the Gulf Coast is a NO-GO. That's a NO-GO, people! (At least for the next five years, White House sources say.)

Republicans have actually signed an agreement to block every piece of Democratic legislation that comes down the pike, unless they get their way on two key issues. Well, there ya go, idiot voters! You'll have that new job any day now!

Extended unemployment benefits for 2 million Americans run out today... and if the Republicans hadn't vowed to shut down the government, maybe they could've helped you out with that. Too bad.

The chairman of the FCC will be outlining his proposal for net neutrality rules today—which the Republicans oppose. And if they hadn't vowed to shut down the government, maybe they could've focused a little energy on this. Too bad.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is on the most wanted list for suspicion of rape, and... what else... OH! That leaking thousands of secret diplomatic cables thingy.

Today's most horrible person in the world doing the most horrible thing ever. Seriously, unless you like being bummed out, don't click.

GUYS! The annual Mercury Online Charity Auction starts... oh shit... TODAY! Stay tuned to Blogtown for details!

GUYS, ALSO! As Sarah mentioned, the Portland International Airport has been ranked the best airport in the muthafuckin' COUNTRY, muthafuckas! Suck on THAT, LaGuardia!

How would Portland respond to a real terror attack? The Oregonian has some words of fear for you!!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods which will soon be subject to an attack of TERROR: It's drying up, people! Cloudy and mid-40s until I tell you otherwise, with only a 79% chance of a terrorist attack. PANIC!!

And finally, it's Wednesday, everybody! You know what that means! Let's... MERENGUE!