Any time I have relationship questions, I always ask my inner Dan Savage, and he never leads me astray!
My boyfriend and I have had a wonderful relationship for six years. We have had “girlfriends” that we were involved with us simultaneously, but never exclusive of each other. He recently met a girl and they instantly clicked. I gave him my approval and they have been on a few dates since—nothing physical yet—and she seems completely infatuated with him. She is aware that he lives with me/we are together, but I’ve yet to meet her. I am fine with them dating, but I have a few questions:
1. My guy and I are extraordinarily close, and we share everything. He’s shown me her texts, and told me about her life. We both feel slightly uncomfortable with me knowing such personal things about her without meeting her. But we don’t want to limit the intensely open communication we have earned with each other, and don’t want to it to seem as if he is hiding things from me. How much am I entitled to know about her/them, and how can he tell me about her without being disrespectful?
2. Can I meet her? Under what circumstances?
3. Can this end well for her? Every girl we’ve dated has ended up hurt because our relationship is always more important than her. I worry this girl will be devastated when he doesn’t leave me for her. Should he squelch all the romance now? She’s apparently had a rough few years, and he doesn’t want to add to her problems. On the other hand, he’s the first person she has been able to connect with in a long time. And should he even consider bringing her into our relationship? Things always end badly for the other girl and I don’t want to hurt her.
Curious And Respectful
My response after the jump...
A programming note: I love numbered questions.
1. Your guy should tell this girl that he and his other/primary girl share absofuckinlutely everything. He should tell her that he's in a successful—for you two anyway—open relationship and that you two have worked hard to establish the kind of "intensely open communication" that makes that possible, and that includes his blabbing away to you about everything and anything. Put her on notice.
2. Sure, you can meet her—you absofuckinlutely should meet her, CAR, as soon as possible. How about under coffee circumstances? Or drinks circumstances? Or dinner circumstances?
3. Um... gee. If every girl you've ever "dated" has wound up hurt, CAR, then a reasonable person would have to conclude that YOU'RE DOING THIS OPEN RELATIONSHIP SHIT WRONG. It may be working for you, and it may be working for him, but if it's not working for them, CAR, then it's not working. I would advise you and the boyfriend to take a nice long introspective break before you bring anyone else in on your devastating action. Perhaps during your break you could a few laminated cards made that read, "He'll never leave me for you, his relationship with me will ALWAYS be more important than his relationship with you, and this will most likely end in tears for you. Enjoy the ride."
And finally, CAR, if this woman is reeling from rough few years and she can't handle more heartache right now and everyone you've ever messed around with has gotten hurt and you "bring her into your relationship" regardless, well, then at least have the decency to stop pretending that you give a shit about the people you mess around with.