As mentioned earlier, my disinterest in today's Oregon vs. Auburn football game was bordering on the baroque—that is, until I read the comments in Good Morning News. Now I am interested. I am interested enough to say, "I am DEEPLY disappointed in all of you."
Seriously, it's one thing to be swept up in the faux nostalgic hysteria of Toy Story 3. I get that. You are a slave to your childhood, and unable to combat the cheap manipulations of Hollywood. But this "Oregon vs. Auburn" thing? I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S JUST TOO MUCH.
For those of you who have been following the idiotic sport of football your entire lives, or are members of the unthinking, dull witted alumni of the University of Oregon—move along, sheep, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the now overwhelming multitudes of so-called fans who are inexplicably excited about today's game WHEN IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, AND YOU HAVE NOT SHOWN AN IOTA OF INTEREST IN IT BEFORE. To find out if you are one of these people, take the following quiz:
1) Did you think Toy Story 3 was one of the top best movies of the year?
2) Are you the Portland Tribune, Oregonian, or any other media outlet that devoted entire sections of their paper or site to this game in order to boost readership, even though in actuality you're secretly ashamed because you could be using the space to cover something that's actually meaningful? (Or in our case, unmeaningful?)
3) Are you a Blogtown commenter who I've talked to personally on a number of occasions, yet have never expressed the slightest interest in any meathead sport, much less Oregon football, before now?
4) Are you secretly suspicious of any so-called "important" football game that is played on a Monday—even though NO important games EVER happen on a Monday—but you're ashamed to say anything about it for fear it may further lessen the game's existing non-importance?
5) Are you a lonely drunk who has no interest in anything but booze, but are constantly on the look out for places and opportunities to get shit-faced in a socially acceptable way?
6) Have you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, yet still have the gall to place those terrible "U of O" flags on your SUV?
7) Before this game was announced, did you think "Auburn" was a hair-dye color from the Nice 'N Easy collection?
8) Is feigning interest in this game simply a way for you to strike up a conversation with your estranged father, who hasn't spoken at length with you on any topic other than the weather for the last 12 years?
9) Are you that reporter over at Fox 12 who described the pre-game festivities this morning with a fawning reverence usually reserved for direct contact with God, or Jessica Alba's nude scene in Machete?
10) Have you ever scoffed at me for bringing attention to Justin Bieber, while your shirt is practically soaking from drooling over all those young men in pads and cleats?
OKAY, PENCIL'S DOWN! Here's how to score your quiz:
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are an annoying Ducks poser, and you're annoying me.
If you answered "no" to any of these questions, you are probably a lying Ducks poser, and you're even more annoying.
Discuss and compare your scores in the comments below!