Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers and the New York Knickerbockers huddle together to stay warm from Snowmageddon 2011™. There was supposed to be a basketball game tonight, but given that we are a few degrees away from mass hypothermia, we might just slice Paul Allen's tauntaun (He's a billionaire nerd, of course he has a tauntaun for a pet) and climb on in until the snow overtakes us.
After the jump, my thrilling live blog of our icy demise. It'll be like the story of the Donner Party, but with more basketball.
The Knicks are good again! It's been years since Isiah Thomas scorched the earth and ruined that franchise for all foreseeable future. Either the world's worst NBA executive (and coach), or a misunderstood performance artist, Thomas' reign had the perfect combination of poor behavior on-court, baffling trades, and terrible draft picks. In fact, the last time the Knicks had a winning record was over a decade ago in the 1999-2000 season. Funny thing about that team, two notable Oregonians were on the roster. One was this state's near-governor Chris Dudley, and the other is tonight's starting center, Marcus Camby.
Amare Stoudamire departing for the Knicks in the offseason was the second greatest thing to ever happen to LaMarcus Aldridge (the first was Brandon Roy's evaporating knees). Now the Blazers forward has an outside chance of breaking into the ranks of Western Conference All-Stars, an honor that Stoudamire won for five of the past six years. Aldridge matches up well against Amare, and the Knick's loose style of play will help him pick up his sixth consecutive 25 point, 10 rebound game.
11:10 - As always the ball passes through Aldridge first. Although he quickly turned the ball over. If he gets 25 points, 10 rebounds, and 10 turnovers that totally counts as a triple double. 2-2 tie.
9:41 - Nicolas Batum is grabbed on the lower back on a layup attempt by Wilson Chandler. He looked like a puppet. A French puppet. Chandler then made him to a merry little dance. 8-7 Knicks.
9:01 - WIth the exception of a Raymon Felton jumper, the Knicks have scored within a foot of the basket on nearly every attempt. They are shooting a criminal 85% from the floor. 13-9 Knicks.
6:27 - Felton for three from the corner. At least it wasn't a layup, but this New York team has not missed many shots so far tonight. Where's Eddy Curry when you need him? That was a dumb question, everyone knows Curry is in line for the media buffet. 18-11 Knicks.
5:40 - If that soul-crushing loss to Miami on Sunday was good for anything, it's a newly-aggressive Batum. No longer perched in the corner waiting for a three attempt, Batum has been a pest around the basket and creating shots off the dribble. So far he has eight of the Blazers first 15 points. 18-15 Knicks.
4:29 - Felton strips Wesley Matthews away from an easy dunk, then nabs an Andre Miller pass and takes it in for a fastbreak layup. No coincidence that Patty Mills enters the game after that play for Miller. 22-15 Knicks.
3:09 - Rudy enters the game. Rudy hits a three. Rudy makes ridiculous goggles hand signal. 25-18 Knicks.
2:37 - Amare gets a technical. That is his 11th on the year. The Blazers celebrate by instantly turning the ball over to the Knicks mere feet from the visitor's basket. Well played. 29-18 Knicks.
1:05 - It's fun to watch Patty and Rudy toss the ball around, but their productivity leaves much to be desired. The Knicks seem equally amused by the pair of besties. I can't hear it from here, but I assume they are whistling that catchy Globetrotters song while passing the ball back and forth. 29-23 Knicks.
0:06 - Mills attempts a driving layup and is blocked by pretty much the entire Knicks franchise. I think Patrick Ewing even got a hand on that shot. 29-23 Knicks.
12:00 - Good god, the Blazers are shooting 26%. New York is shooting 50%. How the Knicks aren't up by 25 right now is an absolute miracle. 29-23 Knicks.
10:05- Back-to-back scoring efforts from Mills. With every make, Andre Miller gets a little bit closer to wearing a New Jersey Nets jersey. Not sure that's a good thing. 37-29 Knicks.
8:57 - After a little more than 15 minutes of play, the Blazers have one assist. Combined. Against the Knicks. And the player with that assist, Marcus Camby. Way to go, guards. 41-29 Knicks.
7:24 - Camby to Aldridge for an alley-oop, which literally doubles the team's assist total. Two of them! The bad news is that Aldridge picks up foul number three and it's back to the bench for him. 41-33 Knicks.
5:10 - On a defensive mismatch Rudy paired off against Amare and lived to tell about it. He took Stoudamire to the basket and picked up the foul. He hits both shots. 43-27 Knicks.
4:05 - Greg Oden is on the Blazers bench tonight. He's getting closer. (Closer to blowing out his news on a rebound in a game against Minnesota in January 2012.) 47-40 Knicks.
2:40 - Rudy for three, but Miller should get credit for an excellent crosscourt pass that buzzed the heads of a few New York players along the way. 51-46 Knicks.
1:15 - On a looseball Felton hits the court hard clutching his ankle. Just to clarify, he is not on the Blazers. Just rare to see an injured player on the opposing team. But after flopping on the floor and hobbling around, he stays in the game. 53-48 Knicks.
56-50 Knicks. Considering how poorly the Blazers have played—twice the number of turnovers to assists, 36% shooting—they should be pleased to be down just a few baskets.
11:23 - A.C. Green is in the building. By rule, no one here is allowed to get laid tonight. 56-51 Knicks.
10:13 - Aldridge is back and dunking. His alley-oop life partner Camby adds to his assist total on the night with that pass. But one play later they try it again and Camby tosses the ball into the seats. 56-53 Knicks.
8:43 - Hey, look who woke up. Matthews cuts for a layup and all of a sudden the Blazers have the lead. Points, assists, crowd noise, it's like a real basketball game here. 57-56 Blazers.
7:05 - Miller slices to the hoop for a layup and stumbles getting back up. New York takes advantage and Chandler drains a three. 61-59 Knicks.
5:32 - Camby schools Stoudamire with a great block on the defensive end, plus the hustle to dive for the loose ball. Sadly the fastbreak is snuffed out when Ronny Turiaf swats Matthews at the rim. Block for a block. 63-59 Knicks.
4:13 - No one wants to lose their job to an Aussie with a girl's name. Miller scoops up a loose ball, dribbles through a crowd, and converts on the other end. 64-62 Knicks.
2:34 - Who knew that Turiaf would be the guy to cool down Aldridge. Not Kevin Love or Bosh, but the guy who pays for sex. 71-62 Knicks.
1:00 - The Knicks are on a 11-2 run right now. That one point lead sure was nice while it lasted. 75-64 Knicks.
0:25 - Aldridge picks up a tough fourth foul and is livid. He has to be restrained by Rudy—softly restrained—in order to avoid picking up a technical as well. 75-64 Knicks.
12:00 - Much like the snow, the Blazers haven't really showed up tonight. Down nine with a dozen minutes to go. 75-66 Knicks.
11:37 - Mills misses a three, Matthews comes up short on a layup. That pair is a combined 4-19 shooting. 75-66 Knicks.
9:51 - Bill Walker shoves the wee Aussie to the hardwood for a flagrant foul. It's cool, sometimes I want to do that to him as well. 77-69 Knicks.
8:48 - Turiaf has done a great job of isolating Aldridge to the point that he has a hard time receiving the entry pass from the point. They aren't double-teaming him, they are just limiting his touches all together. It's not helping things that Aldridge's surrounding cast can't hit an outside shot to save their lives. 81-74 Knicks.
6:02- The Blazers build a little momentum, but have a hard time getting good looks on the three following plays. If there ever was an opponent you could come back on it's this New York team, but it's not looking that way tonight. Especially after that most recent Aldridge turnover resulted in a Chandler tomahawk dunk. Ouch. 85-76 Knicks.
5:41 - Camby, Cunningham, and Matthews: 2-for-21 shooting on the night. 85-76 Knicks.
4:42 - Another Chandler dunk after an Aldridge turnover. Let's just call it a game right now. The score is close enough for a comeback, but the Blazers' effort most certainly is not. 89-78 Knicks.
3:48 - Yup, the Knicks reel off a couple more dunks. Timeout Portland, and the crowd heads for the parking lot. It's a mass exodus of the Rose Garden right now. 94-78 Knicks.
3:21 - Turiaf and Felton both have double-doubles on the night. As for Aldridge, his 25/10 streak is dead in the water. 94-80 Knicks.
1:34 - Aldridge gets a garbage time double-double. More telling is his six turnovers. Or Turiaf's line, which is 17/10 including an impressive seven-for-eight shooting. 98-85 Knicks.
0:00 - And that will do it. Hey, at least Portland was consistently terrible throughout the night, playing a lackluster 48 minutes and falling in a bad way to the Knicks, Your final score, New York 100, Portland 86.
See you Saturday night when New Jersey comes to town. It couldn't be worse than this.