Greetings, shitlips! Congratulations on continuing to waste precious moments of your empty, lonely lives by visiting Blogtown, the most useless blog in Portland. (And yes, that includes this one.) Since you clearly have nothing better to do, join me for a tour of the ways in which the Mercury jackasses humiliated themselves this week.

• Wm. Steven Humphrey FINALLY realized that Portlandia is "really, really, really, REALLY bad." You heard it here last!

• In a rare display of something vaguely resembling journalism, Sarah Mirk broke the story that Powell's fired a bunch of people. Mirk will, no doubt, follow up this important story with some inane bullshit about bicycles.

• In a failed attempt to justify his meager salary, Ezra "Ace" Caraeff bravely asked, "How Many Male Drummers Stand While Playing?" Please note that this question is a total waste of time unless you are a fucking imbecile.

• Bespectacled dweeb Erik Henriksen attempted to get anyone to give two shits about the Portland International Film Festival. Unsurprisingly, Blogtown's half-literate philistines proved to be far more interested in yet another homoerotic children's film.

• The internet correctly pointed out that Courtney Ferguson is, in fact, a racist.

• The internet correctly pointed out that Alison Hallett is, in fact, an anti-Semite.

• Tony Perez "reported" on the the Oregon Public House, "the country's first pub operating as a non-profit." Nice work, Portland fuckwits! You've even found a way to make drinking annoying and self-satisfied!

• Ned Lannamann did nothing worthwhile.

• As I refuse to waste the electricity it would take to visit MOD, I have no idea—and even less interest—in whatever it was that Marjorie Skinner busied herself with this week.

• Last and certainly least, the gleefully pedophillic Wm. Steven Humphrey pathetically "celebrated" his 100th "Bieber Fever" blog post—only to have someone with a first-grader's grasp of mathematics point out that it wasn't even his 100th blog post. The Mercury's proud tradition of incompetence continues.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.