A few select tweets that followed Justin Bieber's crushing defeat to jazz artist Esperanza Spalding for "Best New Artist" at last night's Grammy awards:




Well, at least the last one said, "thank you." Okay, Portland Bieber Believers! As president of the Belieber Fevers (Troop 412, Northeast Portland Division), I feel I have a moral obligation to step up here and tell everyone to "CHILL THE FUCK OUT." There's no reason for this animosity, yet there are MANY reasons for non-imosity. They are as follows:

1) Neither of these guys are new artists—in fact, as Ezra mentioned earlier, Esperanza has been around for quite a long time. Which means, of course, that since he is the "newer" of the two artists, Justin should have won it… but WHATEVER, right?

2) Justin Bieber has everything, Esperanza Spalding has nothing. Bieber has a white Lamborghini; Spalding has a rusty Toyota Corolla. Bieber has a 3-D movie; Spalding has some broken 3D glasses left over from the time she saw Avatar. Bieber plays gorgeous pop hits that resonates with millions of fans across the globe; Spalding plays "jazz." Which I understand is very popular among older liberal arts professors.

3) The Grammys have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on what's "good" or "bad" in the recording industry. It only exists to remind us that some people still listen to country music. In fact, had Justin Bieber won the "Best New Artist" award, if would've been the most grievous of insults. It's like being awarded "The Most Awesome Person in the World" by NAMBLA.

4) At least Justin Bieber isn't dating Esperanza Spalding. If he were? We'd cut a bitch.