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TRUE ROMANCE—If you're looking for a Valentine's Day movie that's guaranteed not to suck, look no further than Tony Scott's 1993 romantic crime thriller True Romance. It's got everything, like violence, cocaine, and sex, which as Patricia Arquette's adorable character Alabama sums up, is "so... romaaaaantic." MS
Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, 9 pm, $5, $25 VIP (includes admission for two, champagne, & chocolate)

BONIN'—Listen people, it's Valentine's Day. You should be laying some sweet, sweet pipe tonight. Doin' it is a Valentine's Day tradition, and from what I've gathered by watching Cinemax, this activity usually occurs late at night, scored by a saxophone solo. It's a Monday night in February—as if you have anything better to do than take a trip to the boneyard. EAC
Your house, all night long, FREE (unless you get pregnant, then the whole thing ends up costing a lot of money—never get pregnant)

Good luck with the boning, y'all. Happy Valentine's Day!