This just came in:

To the Lucky SOB that shares my name-

A woman wrote you a valentine in the last issue of the Mercury and it sounded a lot like a message that would have been written by a woman I have been interested in for quite some time. She did not write the message and was not interested. So I would urge you to please make the most of a wonderful Valentine's Day gesture. Best of luck to you, though it would appear that you are pretty well stocked on that.

Sincerely,

Unlucky SOB

:(

More mostly successful Valentine's Day messages can be found here.