Fresh from the I, Anonymous mailbag (and the perfect antidote for all that lovey-doveyness from yesterday):


This anonymous goes out to the slut who latched on my back like a monkey for the year I've been here. Currently I'm sitting at work painfully listening to 107.5 and all the horrible songs that are coming on about S&M, having sex on dance floors, in Escalades, bathrooms, or in someone else's pants. All these horrible, horrible songs remind me of you, and how you probably put 107.5 on before you take your pants off for some guy/girl or animal (at this point, I put nothing past you). Lately, I've been exhibiting actual sadness because you cheated on me five or six times over the course of THREE MONTHS.
A PDX native told me to "suck it up" because "people cheat here" and everyone here accepts this as fact. Is that why you thought you could sleep with all the Ikea managers on as many lack tables as possible? Or was that a green light to more than likely sleep with your best friend and HER girlfriend? Funny how the only people who think this is morally wrong don't live here and have never been here. The rest seem to think I am being a bit dramatic.
Why didn't I figure it out? Who knows, maybe it's because I trust people too much. Well, alas, after hearing that you finally sunk low enough to fuck my roommate—even though we were split up, and you tried defending it with really pathetic excuses that I used in 10th grade—I am moving back to the east coast. Not because of you—sorry honey—but because the job I have isn't worth sticking around for, and my competent girlfriend who has her own car and apartment and works full time and doesn't have parental support got into grad school back east.
Portland, you need a reality check on what you think is morally wrong and right, because you're even brainwashing those that are east coast natives. Even my poor EX-roommate now lives her life like a Portlander: bandana in the pocket, randomly hooking up with most likely underage dykes at Gaycation. It's sad really: Soon, when you're home smoking the weed and you realize you'd like to have someone there that really loves you and you love them back, maybe you'll realize "Oh shit, they left because I thought fucking their friend was okay."—Anonymous