• Wm. Steven Humphrey valiantly struggled to maintain his Bieber boner after discovering his beloved doesn't like abortion. This could put a damper on the Mercury's proposed "Abortion Tuesday," in which Blogtown readers would be able to vote on which Mercury staffer has to have an abortion each week.
• Speaking of drooling idiots who should never be parents, Sarah Mirk selfishly demanded that I continue to pay for her birth control. (I will... but only because the last thing the world needs is another Sarah Mirk.)
• On End Hits, Ezra "Ace" Caraeff took off his little headphones, put on his big-boy pants, and asked why the Crystal Ballroom sells out its shows before their box office opens. The shocking answer: PEOPLE BUY TICKETS ON THE INTERNET. God you people are stupid.
• The ever-grating Ned Lannamann whined about his lack of snack options at movie theaters. "There's got to be something better than popcorn," he whimpered—proving himself, yet again, to be the most punchable member of the Mercury's eminently punchable staff.
• Professional foodie Tony Perez posted the latest in his pioneering series, "Why Foodies Will be First Against the Wall When the Revolution Comes."
• Courtney Ferguson asked readers to pick their roller derby names, which proved to be a delightful diversion for several feeble-minded morons who have yet to realize it is no longer 2003.
• On MOD, Marjorie Skinner rambled incessantly about PhotoShop. Let us hope that next week she'll deign to share her insights about Microsoft Excel—and that the week after that, her blog will be put out of its misery.
• Demonstrating how easily he's entertained by flashing lights, Erik Henriksen stumbled through the remodeled Ground Kontrol. It was but yet another pathetic detour on his too-long journey to a lonesome, lonely death.
• Dave Bow tearfully confessed that he no longer watches Glee. Congrats, fucknuts! No one gives two shits!
I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.