Greetings, ass.

• The directionless Sarah Mirk pathetically begged Blogtown's halfwit peanut gallery for advice on what to do with Mayor Sam Adams' tie. Sadly, she ignored my personal recommendation, which involved a ceiling fan and an easily kickable chair.

• Having exhausted topics related to Portland's amateurish "arts" scene, Alison Hallett aimlessly prattled on about where she spends her meager Mercury paycheck—inspiring Blogtown's commenters to do the same, thus creating an incredibly boring ouroboros of self-congratulatory consumerist back-patting. (FYI, shitlips: I drop bills at one place and one place only. Magic motherfucking Gardens.)

• Wm. Steven Humphrey, taking a break from his NAMBLA-approved love notes to Justin Bieber, continued his beating of another dead horse, Portlandia, whining "This makes my head hurt." NEWS BREAK, IDIOT: Carrie Brownstein's flailing attempts at "comedy" make everyone's head hurt. Your rehashing of them is only adding to the city-wide migraine.

• Charlie Swanson (whoever the fuck that is) rambled about the cover art to a 20-year-old rock 'n' roll album. Yet again, the Mercury's music coverage proves to be roughly as relevant and forward-thinking as the music industry.

• Marjorie Skinner did nothing worthwhile.

• Dweeb Erik Henriksen droned on about some dweeb book being turned into some dweeb movie. Number of comments and/or interested readers? ZERO.

• At long last, someone pointed out that portions of Blogtown aren't even from Blogtown at all, but rather half-assed reruns from the Mercury's marginally less insipid sister blog, Slog. Were you surprised by this latest evidence of the Mercury staff's inept laziness? Then congratulations, fucknuts! You're as lazy and inept as they are!

• His journalistic instincts as painfully dull as ever, Ned Lannamann labored under the delusion that anyone would give even the tiniest of a shit squirt about the packaging his cheese came in. And they wonder why Slog doesn't ever steal Blogtown's content.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.