As I mentioned earlier today, "Kay-dollar sign-HA!" has a "street team"so why don't I? There's no good answer, is there? Here are some reasons I need a "street team":

1) Sometimes I get the feeling that you "like me," but you don't "like me-like me." Know what I mean? A "street team" could help fix this problem.

2) Some people on the street don't know who I am. For example, the other day I asked a person on the street to give me their sandwich. They refused, even after I screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??" Apparently they didn't know who I was. A "street team" could remedy this situation.

3) I enjoy the company of enthusiastic teenagers. (STOP YOUR BRAIN RIGHT THERE. I know what you're about to think, and you're just wrong, so don't even start to think it. Other than a hundred plus blog posts, you have absolutely NO PROOF of what you're about to think. So stop. Just... don't.) A "street team" could help me out in this department.

4) Do "street teams" clean out garages? If so, I would really like a "street team."

5) A "street team" member could approach someone on the "street," and say something like, "Hey! What's up, dawg? Ever heard of Wm. Steven Humphrey?" And if the person says "no," then the "street team" member could say, "Aww, dude! He's the bomb diggy diggy. You should totally check his shit out." And the person would say, "Okay, sure, whatever." And my "street team" person would say, "No, not 'whatever.' Do it. Now. Check his shit out." And the person would say, "You're making me uncomfortable." And my "street team" member would say, "No, my fist inside your ass would make you uncomfortable. Check out Wm. Steven Humphrey's shit, and you won't have to worry about my first traveling up the inside of your ass." And the person might scream for the police. And my "street team" member might get arrested. Which means there's one less jail cell, and therefore, one less chance of me getting incarcerated following the DUI I plan on getting this evening.

So... yeah. I need a "street team."


Feel free to post in the comments how you'd promote Wm. Steven Humphrey on the "streets" as a "street team" member.